To move on, pardon the 26/11 murderers

Every day, the news bulletin reminds us of everything that is evil in the world — bombings, murders, war. But with each act of violence comes a great opportunity — to forgive. Can we manage this, even when we suffer acutely from horrific acts? Difficult as it may sound, not doing so may be worse. As Robert Assaglioli observed: “Without forgiveness, life is governed...by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.”

It may be time to return to the subject as the world approaches the first anniversary of yet another act of terror, the 26/11 Mumbai attacks. From visits to India and media reports overseas, three victims’ stories force one to think deeply about the difficulty of forgiveness.

There was the young woman who lost her partner on 26/11. She had been a prostitute and homeless till she found a man who protected her on the strength of the egg sandwiches he sold outside one of Mumbai’s train stations. For the first time in her adult life, she was able to leave the mean streets and rent a small room with her family. When her partner died, she lost her home and would have to return to prostitution to feed her children. Could she ever forgive those who caused her so much pain and hardship?

Then there was the man who had come to India with his teenage daughter on a spiritual quest. They were killed while dining together at the Taj Hotel. Would their family and friends ever be able to forgive those who took their lives?

Never mind family and friends, those who are in some way connected with us by bonds of blood or emotion. Even I, part of the wider world and a stranger to these three victims, am saddened and outraged. Whenever I turn inwards, the sadness takes me beyond myself. But the outrage causes a physical tightening inside my solar plexus as I if am preparing to fight something. It makes me aggressive and shuts me off from the people around me. The longer I dwell on my desire for vengeance, the more alienated I become. In comparing these two states, it is clear which is healthier. But while the choice is clear, it is not easy to make.

The desire for vengeance is seductive. It makes you feel self-righteous because you are demanding something that is just, and demanding it for others. But the feeling of self-righteousness consumes you, fuelling a false sense of power, ultimately destroying the humanity of the one who’s demanding vengeance. As Sufi Hazrat Inayat Khan said: “The longing for vengeance is like a craving for poison.”

Forgiveness is more difficult but more rewarding. But how can one forgive the killings of innocent people in New York, Madrid, Mumbai, Israel or the Palestinian territories? How can I forgive the murder of men and women in Texas by a doctor who was trained to save lives?

The first step is to recognize that I will never understand the reason why someone could do these things. So forgiveness requires me to accept that which I don’t understand.

To forgive is also paradoxical. It starts with accepting the limitations of our understanding, and also helps us overcome those limits. As Gerald Jamppolsky wrote, “I can have peace of mind only when I forgive rather than judge.”

So how can I practice forgiveness? One way is by asking for forgiveness. To acknowledge that I have done things that require someone to pardon me, reminds me of my shortcomings. It makes it easier to forgive others. Also, once we are forgiven by someone we have harmed, it is easier to be forgiving.

What if you can’t ask the person you’ve offended for forgiveness because you’ve lost touch with them? What if he has passed away or refuses to forgive you? In such a situation, it’s best to forgive yourself. This is often the first step towards being forgiving. To forgive oneself requires accepting responsibility. Accept the need to do whatever can be done to repair the damage, and then let it go.

None of this is easy. But one can take inspiration from the speech of American president Abraham Lincoln, who towards the end of a war, called upon his countrymen to forgo vengeance. “With malice toward none, with charity for all… to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace among ourselves and with all nations,” he had said. Forgiveness is the only way this could ever be accomplished.